“I’m restless.
Things are calling me away.
My hair is being pulled by the stars again.” ———Anais Nin
In Spring my internal sap rises just as in the cottonwood trees along the Rio Grande in New Mexico. Santa Fe is calling me. It is my Soul City. I feel smooth there in the land of arid mountains, adobe dwellings, and native pueblos. I want to get on the road away from sultry Florida, my restlessness barely containable, waiting, waiting until April is finally here. I go there to watch Spring reclaim the high desert with subtle magnificence. I go there to look for Robert, my unsheltered friend, who lives on the streets. I hope the winter has been kind to him.
Sounds good, huh? However, the woman who will arrive in Santa Fe in a couple weeks is not the same woman who left Santa Fe last August. Grease, in copious quantities, oozes down my Slippery Slope. I am changing and the slide has accelerated.
It is physical, this slide. Neuropathy in legs and feet, a deteriorating lower spine, painful knees and hips, whacked out vestibular system, the purchase of hearing aids—-do you want to hear this? For this time in Santa Fe, I will no longer play pickleball nor climb Sun Mountain on my birthday, a yearly tradition, nor hike very long in the sacred arroyos.
It is mental, this slide. Estranged from most of my small family, lacking close by friends, living in a foreign (to me) community of old people bent on fun causes sadness and regret for what might have, what should have, what could have, Been.
It is emotional, this slide. Fear of prolonged, incapacitating illness, loss of interest in once loved activities, poignant memories of beautiful times gone by. I am sliding…………………..
“Old men ought to be explorers
Here or there does not matter
We must be still and still moving
Into another intensity.”——-T.S. Eliot
And so the spiritual quest remains. I will be Don Quixote, continuing my lifelong search for the Impossible Dream, “still moving” as much as I am able, still learning, still trying to make amends, still searching for my Tribe. “Be still” say the great ones, and when you least expect it, the light will dispel the darkness.
Sounds good, huh? Santa Fe, here I come.
Wow! As Robyn says, "Beautifully written" and quite moving. I had missed this post, just now found it - I am so glad I did! I want to scream - "Not fair", but that statement has never worked and has never changed anything. Grab your walking sticks, someone's arm, but get out there in a true holy land. A little at a time, slowly, ....the land is waiting for you. Pickle ball competitions were fun, exciting, but the land is your soul. You know what you need. I will travel with you in spirit.
So beautifully written. I remember a writer I once knew told me, people think writers just write but they don't. They cut their wrists and bleed onto the paper. Namaste my dear sister. May you find peace in the darkness and joy in the unexpected. You are loved.