Intense chest pressure prompted a visit to the ER. Turned out to be a flare up of a hiatal hernia—a new ail-a-ment, unbeknownst to me. An additional chronic condition allowing more greasing of the Slippery Slope. Food and drink to avoid, then meds and finally surgery down the line if necessary.
As an inhabitant of the Slippery Slope, the ail-a-ments increase exponentially, some fixable, some permanent. Each new physical deterioration bleeds deeply into the mental and emotional health of this old person. Will I ever feel mostly well again? Will I recover my missing mojo? What disaster will seize me next? Will I have to give up my bike as I have given up pickleball? Will sitting be my only comfortable position?
Uncertainty. The Buddhists have taught about it for centuries.
Damned horrifying not to know how these last chapters will unfold. Of course, I am well aware that death will greet me at the bottom of the Slippery Slope. What I am unfortunately learning, is about a whole litany of degrading occurrences which may reduce my body— mind to a quivering, pitiful, painful mess. Before the blessed release of death, my life could turn into a real catastrophe.
In spite of the addition of the hiatal hernia to my other chronic conditions on this Slippery Slope, there is this glimmer of wisdom:
“Through repeated practice, we see that all phenomena have a beginning, a middle, and an end, and then letting go occurs as a natural response of a mind that understands how things really are.” ———Ayya Santacitta
I am beginning to understand “how things really are”. Life and death “inter-are”, which means death (ending) has been near me in all the phenomena (events) of my entire life. Nothing, no matter how good nor bad, ever lasted. I loved college (beginning as a freshman), four years of study (middle), graduated (ending), let go of college life and moved on to a first teaching job. Before the Slippery Slope, I did not fear the ending of any chapter of my life. I was strong and smart and could always figure a way out— a solution to whatever awful stuff popped up, if bad happened. But every single chapter ended and that is “how things really are” and were for 7.5 decades. Every single chapter. Ended.
I must learn to let go before the “ending” this time. Because there are no more chapters. There is no way out.
May it be so.
This moved me so much. Moved to Lisboa alone 6 weeks ago and I will soon be 70 and all of a sudden a raft of body challenges. I need to read this tonight. May print it. Thank you!
I often tell young people - Do it NOW! I tell them that bodily changes and age creep up way more quickly than we ever expected. On the news, we see a certain 100 year old person doing a marathon - Well - that is 1 person in a billion - or more.
Btw: I can recommend chewable enzymes - I have that same hernia - they don't "fix" anything just reduce the burning feeling if you eat enough of them. Sleep on your left side, slightly elevated. Maybe that will help.
It is quite discouraging to have new pain/ailments daily. How much do we give in and how much do we push it. Disability/bed-bound/wheelchair-bound are all fates worse than death to me. Also - being a burden to anyone is intolerable. I think I need to research how to leave Earth if I need to - I've been told there are resources online.